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AW, DID YOU MISS SEEING US ON "INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO"?
YES, STEVE AND I WERE RECENTLY ON "INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO" WITH JAMES LIPTON. (OKAY, WE WEREN'T, BUT LET'S PRETEND, SHALL WE?) AND OF COURSE WE ENDED THE NIGHT BY ANSWERING THE QUESTIONNAIRE 'INVENTED' BY BERNARD PIVOT:
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What's your favorite word?
DOUG: That's easy: ALF. Honorable mention: Any word from "Bulbous Bouffant" by The Vestibules.
STEVE: Flozzum flip!
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What is your least favorite word?
DOUG: 'Disco'. Followed by 'nigger'. I fear I'll find out there was a song or film in the 70's called "Disco Nigger". And no, that would not be a good band name.
STEVE: Ashleigh Banfield.
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What turns you on, inspires you?
STEVE: Turns me on: Hmmm...Mindy Burbano of KTLA, Pita Ojeda and Luisa Fernanda of Telemundo, Julie Krone of horse racing fame, Kiki Melendez, Latin women. Inspires me: My dad and my friends.
DOUG: Turns me on: I won't go into details, but it involves a Ginsu knife, a gallon of Cool Whip and a forklift. Inspires me: Making my friends laugh. They're my toughest audience, so if I make them laugh, I know I'm onto something.
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What turns you off?
DOUG: Stupidity. The incredible lack of basic spelling and math skills that permeates the U.S. as well as the internet. Math and spelling are easy to get right. Yet so many get them wrong.
STEVE: Liars, cheats, abusers, and users...like Ashleigh Banfield.
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What sound or noise do you love?
STEVE: Silence, fall in Michigan, birds, my dog barking.
DOUG: Okay, stay with me on this: It's the first really nice Saturday (or Sunday) in spring. It's warm and sunny out, people are up and about, kids are playing, etc. I'm awake but still lying in bed, radio and TV are off. And someone in the neighborhood, not too close, not too far away, is mowing their lawn. And the hum of the lawn mower is bouncing between the houses at a constantly changing angle as they mow, so the pitch keeps changing. THAT is the sound. The meditation-quality hum of that lawn mower somewhere in the neighborhood. Maybe it has to do with the fact that someone else is doing the mowing, and I'm still relaxing.
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What sound or noise do you hate?
STEVE: My mom shouting.
DOUG: My mother's voice. That imitation you hear me and my sibs do is NOT an exaggeration. And crackheads (such as the one across the street from me) who blast their car stereos. The ultimate in stupidity. They actually put the speakers in the trunk because otherwise it would be too loud inside the car. STOOPID! So let me get this straight: you spend hundreds or perhaps thousands of dollars on a car stereo system, put the speakers in the trunk because you can't grasp the intricate workings of a volume knob, permanently damage your hearing anyway, annoy your neighbors, and risk getting fined for violating noise ordinances. Gosh, you're a friggin' Einstein.
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What's your favorite curse word?
DOUG: I really can't pick a fave, but I like the phrase I came up with a couple of years ago: "Son of a dog s--- sandwich!" For special occasions you can add "with cheese" at the end. (PS: I only censor that because I don't want to upset our gracious hosts here at Freeservers.)
STEVE: Shiznit!
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What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?
STEVE: Comedy writing.
DOUG: NASCAR driver. Then I'd kick Steve's ass even worse in our fantasy racing!
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What profession would you not like to attempt?
DOUG: Telemarketer. It was hard enough being mistaken for one when I did surveys. I can't imagine actually being one, no matter how desperate I am for money. I would rather starve to death.
STEVE: Being involved in politics.
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If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?
STEVE: Your dad and family are very proud of you.
DOUG: I'm an atheist, but since the question is qualified with an 'if', I'll play nice: "Hi. Sorry to break it to you, but I DO exist. 'Surprise! You bastard!' But hey, you had perfectly good reasons for not believing in me, and I completely understand your logic. So don't sweat it, dude. Come on in, enjoy the buffet."
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